4 Tips for Successful Communication in Co-parenting
Co-parenting is often the most challenging part of divorce. While the emotional ties of the marriage may be severed, the parental relationship is permanent. The way you communicate with your former spouse directly influences your children’s well-being and security.
Idaho Family Law Attorney Sheli Fulcher Koontz offers four essential tips for establishing constructive, low-conflict communication and setting a positive example for your children.
1. Approach it as a Business Partnership
You are no longer spouses; you are now business partners managing a joint venture—your children. Treat every communication accordingly.
- Remove Emotion: Before you hit send, ask yourself: “Would I be okay with a judge reading this?” (The answer should always be yes!) Type out your angry email, but never hit send. Wait, cool down, and then rewrite it with only factual information.
- Stay Factual: All communication must be strictly about the children’s logistics: appointments, schedules, school events, or medical needs. Avoid letting the conversation digress into past grievances or current complaints.
- Document Everything: Use a dedicated co-parenting app, email, or text message so there is always a clear, written record. This documentation is vital for keeping you accountable and providing objective evidence in the event of future court disputes.
2. Keep the Children Out of the Middle
The single most damaging thing you can do is involve your children in your disputes or use them to relay information. Children need to feel secure in the love of both parents.
- Never Badmouth: Do not talk negatively about the other parent in front of the child. Criticizing one parent forces the child into a loyalty bind, which is incredibly harmful to their mental and emotional health.
- No Messengers: Do not use the child to relay messages or requests between households. If you need information, ask the other parent directly.
- Set the Example: Your children are watching how you communicate with your co-parent and will emulate that behavior in their own adult relationships. Set the communication standard you want them to follow.
3. Be Clear and Specific in Your Agreements
Ambiguous communication is a significant trigger for conflict. Eliminate confusion by being precise about schedules and agreements.
- Focus on ‘We’: Use inclusive language, switching “You and I” to “We” when discussing plans (e.g., “What are we doing for the school field trip?”). This fosters a collaborative mindset.
- One Topic, One Message: Avoid mixing a discussion about a school project with a request for past-due child support. This keeps the conversation focused and prevents escalation.
- Confirm in Writing: If you make a verbal agreement, follow up immediately with a quick text or email to summarize and confirm the change.
4. Cultivate Flexibility
While the parenting decree provides a necessary framework, being reasonably flexible reduces tension and models resilience for your children.
- Communicate Changes Early: Give your co-parent as much advance notice as possible if you need to be late or reschedule.
- Choose Your Battles: Not every disagreement requires a fight. It is okay to let minor issues go if they do not directly impact the children’s health or safety. Prioritize your children’s well-being over “being right.”
By focusing on these four tips, you prioritize your children’s needs, minimize stress, and ensure that if a dispute ever returns to court, your actions will make it easy for a judge to see you have taken the high road.
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